This is new.
I guess I’ve been hiding from putting all of this that has been shouting to be put down.
It’s a new year but I’m fighting the same old heart ache, the same ol’ ghosts.
Moving back again, sounds so funny to say it out loud again. Space, new trials and tribulations, the beach, different scene same struggle I suppose. But I’m ready, steady, go.& I really want to see my baby girl. She’s probably taller than me too. Time doesn’t ease the pain, not mentally really. I still at the back of my mind feel like I abandoned my child but shes my sister and not my responsibility but it doesn’t keep me from crying every now and then. My grasshopper haha…
I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately. Much more since she passed 7 years ago. Sunday mornings when she’d make baked chicken, taro & ulu baked in the umu and fai’ai pilikaki. The way her hands worked and made everything so amazingly wonderful. When we’d sit and she’d read from the Bible and listen to the storm raging outside the concrete walls. Or the hours we’d pass with movies and cards and so many stories of the old days. If I could only remember the sound of her laugh…I look at Myahs hands and they make me think of hers. If I had only known all those months, and years in and out of the hospitals, all those hours spent together. She told me to be strong, and I’m trying Grandma, to be as strong as I can.
I still remember being in kindergarten and it was some parent/show and tell kind of thing and I was asked about my father and mother and I stood up and said that my mom was away and that my dad had died in Kansas. Talk about keeping the kids at bay, not knowing who my dad is, well I guess he was just better dead. My mother still refuses to tell me…well she refuses to speak to me at all which I’m grateful for really because if she were to suddenly talk to me the only thing I want to hear is “You know what, I don’t know who he was, it was a one night stand kind of thing” because thats the only truth I’d believe. & accept easily. I’m messed all the way up. I guess its easier knowing they had fucked not knowing each other at all and they went they’re separate ways after rather than knowing they knew each other and that he’s out there and doesn’t know I exist. Or she raped him which is highly probable. She raped the photographer at my cousins wedding. & has a lengthy list of married men. All I know is I owe a man a thank you for me. Wish I could tell him that I love him, no matter who he is. I love you.
Now, you. Who never remembered my birthday or wished me any happy holiday, you suddenly decided to wish me a Merry Christmas and its bugged the shit out of me since. I know now, much clearly how much I really meant to you as a friend…how much more I meant as some pussy. Amazing really. Clarity in a year. All those late night 5 hour long phone calls. All the times the cops came and i called you crying in the aftermath. Would boil down to nothing. You claim you waited too long, trying to get her out of your system and that you wanted to be clear for me….such utter bullshit. & still I let you cloud my mind as if still hoping for some reminiscent friendship…even though I know there isn’t one. Sigh…ouch.
So this is my New Year, slight hauntings and all.
Piece by piece.
